Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas....?

Running around for days, preparing my husbands birthday, shopping, cleaning, running through the rain and getting the last things should now make me feel happy as I´m inside, listening to christmas music and decorating my presents...
But my heart is sad. Well, I know - noone wants to hear that today. Anyone pretends to be lucky, but I´m not. Tonight noone will realize this - you can be sure that I won´t tell anyone today.

There are several reasons for my sadness - I could say it´s all the children of the world which won´t have a great christmas with lots of presents and a family which does for them whatever they can. Maybe, yes - one reason. It seems that radio, the tv channels and all the other media want to show us just during christmas how bad the world is for a LOT of people. And what do we Europeans do? You as Americans? We donate - for the poors.
This year I did not. This year I tried to make me feel better in doing small things - I send out christmas pakets to people who really need. To kids who won´t have a family on christmas and I tried to give those around me who don´t have so much money a bit from me. This time I know that my help arrived the people. That is for sure something which could make me happy.
Maybe I just did that because this way I wasn´t able to think about my own pain. Sometimes it feels better just to be sorry for others than for yourself - because you know deep inside, in all your pain, there are people for them it is this time even more worse.
During the year I´m able to cover my own pain with working...but now - I cannot. No emails which need to be answered, no kit which has to be finished, no advertising, no pupils who need my I´m here, thinking of those I miss most.
I miss my grandparents...although my grandfather is still alive I´m not able to be with him during christmas. It´s a long story and it´s as painful as it sounds. So I just try to put my heart in a big safe to make sure that no feelings and no memories come close to me.
Even at christmas time where wonders should be possible and are possible for others - we are sometimes not able to overcome a falling bridge.
So instead of doing we are missing and we don´t say things we want to.
What on earth is the reason that we can be sorry for others and that we are able to change things for others...but not for ourselves? So why can we give people we don´t know well and just feel sorry for our money or presents to change their fate - but why are we not able to change ours?
Don´t ask me - tonight I will sit with the rest of my family, missing my grandfather like crazy and wish that everything would be different....

I hope my thoughts of christmas find you all well and don´t make you sad - just thinking, thingking about things we may be able to overcome at christmas...and why not? we have not the time to wait - who knows what we are sorry for next year.

on this note...have all a merry christmas with your friends and family and do what you feel is the best - for you, your heart, your soul and then you don´t have to cover pain with stress.

let me know if you have some thoughts to this.


Anonymous said...

I know this is an older post..but I had to stop in an say I was touched by a women..whose life changed drastically after she gave birth to her only child..these last 13 years have been a learning experience about the human race both the good and the bad.As these 13 years past..I worked with increasing chronic pain until after a life time of working, I finally had to give up. I watched as my life went to being a person who helped others to being a person who needed the help of others..from my child having enough food to eat to having only flour and water to eat for 4 days. I watched as the world went from treating me like a human being to treating me like a welfare bum..because we could not dress as well, eat as well or had the money to participate in the world around us..through it all there were some good days and some very tearful weeks..especially the ones when my child went hungry...nothing in life..pained as much as that..especially in a world of plenty where neighbours..throwed good food we could have eaten in the garbage. Through it is just what you have said here that I choose to remember, it is the friend who said send your boy up for some dinner, it is the bab of food I found on my step, it is the group of women on my group, who got togethor and sent my a card for christmas with 200 dollars in it, to buy my boy something from christmas, when I had absolutely nothing to give him, my son has cerebral palsy and well changes comes slow to him and it is hard for him to know about all the things it takes to run a household, the innocence of chidren, but he showed more understanding then those who should have known better, at our school they have a school lunch program for all children because so many children here live in poverty, but it was his teacher who made him feel guilty for being hungry day I was sending him to school..I had nothing to give him to eat, he told me he could not go to school, when I asked why he told me his teacher was sick of feeding him. My mothers heart broke into a 1000 were good people like you helping little children and one person, who resented a child being given a lunch at school...why I will never know.I guess when I read your post, it refreshed my mind about all that is past now, as we are doing better, but people like you make a difference in the world one person at a time day at a time..thank you for being you.

MisticaDesigns said...

my dear anonymous friend,
thank you so much for your post! i know how painful it must have been for you and i really can feel the pain through your letters. i hope today your world is better and you can look back on all this things like an experience you could make with the human race. there will always be good and bad people and that there were some people who helped you lights my heart. i´ve learned to be thankful for the little wonders and i hope you are doing well now. i feel that i would love to be in contact with you. so if you want to email me just feel free to do so. and thanks so much for your words. god bless you.