Running around for days, preparing my husbands birthday, shopping, cleaning, running through the rain and getting the last things should now make me feel happy as I´m inside, listening to christmas music and decorating my presents...
But my heart is sad. Well, I know - noone wants to hear that today. Anyone pretends to be lucky, but I´m not. Tonight noone will realize this - you can be sure that I won´t tell anyone today.
There are several reasons for my sadness - I could say it´s all the children of the world which won´t have a great christmas with lots of presents and a family which does for them whatever they can. Maybe, yes - one reason. It seems that radio, the tv channels and all the other media want to show us just during christmas how bad the world is for a LOT of people. And what do we Europeans do? You as Americans? We donate - for the poors.
This year I did not. This year I tried to make me feel better in doing small things - I send out christmas pakets to people who really need. To kids who won´t have a family on christmas and I tried to give those around me who don´t have so much money a bit from me. This time I know that my help arrived the people. That is for sure something which could make me happy.
Maybe I just did that because this way I wasn´t able to think about my own pain. Sometimes it feels better just to be sorry for others than for yourself - because you know deep inside, in all your pain, there are people for them it is this time even more worse.
During the year I´m able to cover my own pain with working...but now - I cannot. No emails which need to be answered, no kit which has to be finished, no advertising, no pupils who need my help...so I´m here, thinking of those I miss most.
I miss my grandparents...although my grandfather is still alive I´m not able to be with him during christmas. It´s a long story and it´s as painful as it sounds. So I just try to put my heart in a big safe to make sure that no feelings and no memories come close to me.
Even at christmas time where wonders should be possible and are possible for others - we are sometimes not able to overcome a falling bridge.
So instead of doing we are missing and we don´t say things we want to.
What on earth is the reason that we can be sorry for others and that we are able to change things for others...but not for ourselves? So why can we give people we don´t know well and just feel sorry for our money or presents to change their fate - but why are we not able to change ours?
Don´t ask me - tonight I will sit with the rest of my family, missing my grandfather like crazy and wish that everything would be different....
I hope my thoughts of christmas find you all well and don´t make you sad - just thinking, thingking about things we may be able to overcome at christmas...and why not? we have not the time to wait - who knows what we are sorry for next year.
on this note...have all a merry christmas with your friends and family and do what you feel is the best - for you, your heart, your soul and then you don´t have to cover pain with stress.
let me know if you have some thoughts to this.
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